The look of devastation in my nine-year-old grandson’s eyes tore at my heart. Because of a positive covid test I had had early the same morning, we had to cancel his birthday trip to Seattle to visit his cousin and best friend. I had no longer dodged the covid bullet, and it had come at a personal cost for my grandson.
I stood masked and socially distanced, shivering in the cold winter air, as I watched him sitting silent, staring straight ahead, praying he would make eye contact with me. My grandson wasn’t caring about my positive covid test, an isolation mandate, or the fact I had spared countless exposures by staying off the airplane. At the moment, his heart was broken, and honestly, I didn’t blame him at all. If there had been a hole close by, I would have not hesitated to climb into it.
Knowing there was nothing more I could say or offer him, and fighting tears, I turned and made my way back towards my isolation. “I failed him. I could have prevented this. He will never forgive me!” The voices in my head began. “I wasn’t enough for him.”
Sadly, this wasn’t the first time I’d heard these degrading words of not being enough. I’ve used them to line the walls of my heart and mind far longer than I really care to admit. As a caregiver: “I am not enough!” As a wife: “I am not enough!” As a daughter: “I am not enough!” As a mom: “I am not enough!” As a grandparent: “I am not enough!” Being a good friend: “I am not enough.” I. am. Never. Enough.
In a strange and odd way, I agree with this head-mantra about not being enough; I know it’s true. I know I am not enough with my low self image (weakness), living with comparison (flaw) or my double life as a control freak (my entire family knows this about me). And yet, even though I use the I-am-not-enough line way too often, I receive this response from God every time I do: “Each time He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Wait! Did you catch that? You mean I can boast the fact I am not enough? Do you mean I can walk with my head up and shoulders back all because His grace fills and His power works best when I am not enough?
A big resounding Yes! God has given me permission to boast about my weaknesses! (Anyone reading this should be doing a happy dance right now, I sure am!) To know God works and uses each and every weakness and flaw in me just to show His power to others around me, takes my breath away, and He definitely has a whole lot to boast about!