I remain still and silent, unsure whether I want to disturb Jesus, bringing my troubled heart and a deep need to recompense for my past sin again.
“What is troubling your heart today?” Jesus asks me. “Would you like to talk about it?”
Jesus doesn’t press me for an answer but waits silently beside me, allowing me to decide when to unload my heart to Him.
“Jesus,” I begin, “How do I forget my past sin that has caused others to hurt because of ill-timed words or unmet promises? How could I treat others with such disregard when I chose what I thought was ‘something better’ instead? How do I live beyond the shame of the times when I’ve manipulated others into doing what I thought was best? How do I live with the selfishness of my actions?” My words rush out at Him like a dam breaking, nothing holding back the flow of my emotions.
Sobs come, and I let them, allowing deep grief to surface from a place I had no idea existed.
“How do I accept forgiveness and find relief from living under the control of my past sin?” I ask emphatically through my emotions, releasing the real issue of my heart.
Jesus does not respond but permits me to sob. I feel His hand as He touches my bowed head.
“Oh, Child,” Jesus begins tenderly. “Why do you continue to look at the sins of your past when I see none of them? I see only the grace of My Father on you, covering you with His protection and goodness.
“I was chosen to become the perfect sacrifice for your sin so that you could be free from it. You were bought and paid for with the perfect redemptive price. It cost you nothing but cost Me everything, and I was willing to pay. I own it, Child. I own your sin, and when you try to understand the amount of love behind this, you can’t.”
Jesus pauses before He continues to speak, and I can sense He’s considering His words carefully.
“I want you to forget what lies behind you in your past and look forward to what lies ahead. Looking forward doesn’t mean that the pain of your past has no purpose. But I’m asking you to look forward in anticipation with joy that in each moment moving ahead, you will see the glory and goodness of Me.”
He smiles and continues to speak.
“Look forward to my plans for you, for I have many of them. Look forward to the abundance of grace and love that will complete those plans because it is overflowing. Look forward to every day with longing and the time you will have to spend in My presence. Because I will always be waiting.”
“Jesus?” I whisper, my head bowed, still unable to meet His gaze, “Will I ever be successful in letting my past go?”
“No, Child,” Jesus states. “But I will.”
Silent tears slide down my cheeks as I humbly accept His simple answer, knowing I can trust His love and forgiveness, leaving what lies behind because of it, and moving forward in His plans .
Jesus pulls me up to stand before Him, and this time, our eyes meet. I feel His quiet stillness, and it brings peace.
“Jesus?” I begin as I wipe the tears from my eyes.
“Yes, Child.” He responds.
“Would you have time to spend discussing your plans for me?”
“I always have time for you. ” Jesus states. “But you’d better plan on staying awhile.”